I was looking at my honeymoon photos today, waxing nostalgic, and finally took the time to select the good ones and post them to Facebook. Being in a reflective mood, I started looking back over my previous blog posts, reliving some of the anxieties I had leading up to our wedding, and thinking about all the decisions I was nervous and excited about making back then. After re-reading this post, I realized that Tom and I did a pretty good job negotiating all the challenges of building our wedding from the ground up, and felt inspired to share the ceremony we wrote together.
Since we opted for a self-uniting ceremony (which does not require an officiant in Pennsylvania), we asked if the entire wedding party would participate in performing the ceremony (and we had quite a crowd standing with us). Tom and I wanted a symbolic event that would be familiar enough to our guests to feel significant, but uniquely suited to our aspirations and values as a couple. I researched ceremonial structures and common rituals, read lots of matrimonial blessings from around the world, and looked for a way to incorporate improvisation as a model for life and marriage. What resulted was a joyful, secular humanist style ceremony with the aim to make the entire gathering of people feel included in the act of marrying us. As I made prolific use of borrowed and paraphrased ideas from around the internet when we were writing it, I am happy to be lovingly ripped-off by any couples who are tying the knot (just promise to have a fun day and party hard)!
Burnside Plantation, Bethlehem PA
Hilary & Tom Get Married! (The Ceremony)
The Welcome
(The Wedding Party processes in to the strains of John’s drumming and gathers “on stage” (in the grass). Katherine and Justin “enter”, aka step up to the microphone. Katherine will begin once the wedding party is in place and Hilary, Tom, and their parents are ready to process.)
Katherine: Hi, I’m Katherine.
Justin: And I’m Justin.
Katherine: And it’s our pleasure to welcome you to Hilary and Tom’s wedding!
Justin: They want this day to be as fun and full of joy as possible, so feel free to laugh, cheer, and generally create a ruckus whenever the spirit moves you!
Katherine: And now, please join us in welcoming the bride and groom to the party!
Justin: As Katherine sings one of their favorite songs.
(Justin exits. Katherine sings “At Last” – Tom and his mother enter from split-rail aisle, Tom takes his place. Hilary and her parents enter from tree aisle, Hilary and Tom hug their parents. Hilary and parents take their places.
We applaud Katherine’s beautiful singing! Katherine exits. John, Katie C and Justin enter.)
Celebration of Community
Katie C: Hi, I’m Katie.
John: And I’m John. You might notice that there’s no officiant here today. Hilary and Tom have personally crafted a self-uniting ceremony for their wedding, an opportunity made possible by Pennsylvania’s Quaker tradition. So instead of choosing one or two people to perform the ceremony, they’ve asked us –
Justin: All sixteen of us!
Katie C: And sometimes all of you!
John: – to participate in the spirit of friendship, community, and shared destiny. And so we begin with those who first gave life and love to the people we celebrate today.
Katie C: We thank Hilary and Tom’s parents for the big things – the sacrifices made for family, the support of your children’s dreams, the many years spent in love’s labor to provide a happy and nourishing home for those who depended on you – and we thank you for the small things, too. Each little opportunity you took to make their lives a touch more special – a note in the lunch box, a bedtime story. Every word of encouragement. Every hug goodbye. Hilary and Tom would not be the people they are without you. Today we celebrate you also. Would everyone join me in giving thanks to Kris, Terry, Sharon & Darryl?
(Katie, John and Justin lead us in applause!)
Justin: And now, do you, Hilary and Tom’s parents, give your profound love and joyful assent today, the day of your children’s wedding, and promise to value and celebrate them in the years to come both as individuals and as partners in marriage? If so, say “We do!”
Parents: We do!
John: We ask now if Hilary and Tom’s grandparents would please stand, if they are able. We thank you too today, for not just the affection, pride, and encouragement you’ve showered on your grandchildren, but for raising thoughtful, capable children who today see their own children join in matrimony. In times of even greater uncertainty than we face now, you persevered. You gave unending love, though you sometimes knew heartache. We honor you for your sacrifices, your strength, and your creation of the families that rejoice today. Please join me in celebrating William, Grace, Clair, Patricia, Charlotte and Dorothy! (applause!)
Justin: Now, do you, Hilary and Tom’s grandparents, give your blessing on the marriage of this couple, the children of your children, and promise to share your wisdom and your stories with them? If so, say “We do!”
Grandparents: We do!
Justin: And lastly, do all of you here today – family, friends, all those dearest to this couple’s hearts – do you give your hearty agreement to the marriage of Hilary and Tom, and promise to rejoice with them in celebration of their union? If so, make a joyful noise and say “We do!”
All: We do!
John: You may take your seats.
Warming of the Rings
(John and Justin exit. Alina and Ian enter to join Katie C.)
Alina: Hi, I’m Alina.
Ian (ringbearer): And I’m Ian.
Katie C: Later in the ceremony, Hilary and Tom will exchange rings as a physical symbol of the vows they are making to one another. They would be delighted for everyone gathered here to share in this exchange by offering their love and blessing with the tradition of the Ring Warming.
Alina: As the ceremony proceeds, please pass the rings down each row until they reach the last row, where they’ll wait until we call for them. As you hold the nest in your hands, like Ian is, pause for a moment as you share your physical, emotional, and spiritual warmth and offer thoughts of happiness to Hilary and Tom.
Katie C: Are you thinking happy thoughts, Ian?
Ian: Yep!
Alina: These rings will not only be a gift from one to another but will be given with the love, support and wisdom of their family and friends – all of you.
(Alina and Katie C help Ian take the ring nest to the first row to pass along. Ian can sit down if he wants to. Alina and Katie C return to their places. Katie K and Bess enter.)
The Nature of Love
Katie K: Hi, I’m Katie!
Bess: And I’m Bess!
Katie K: Hilary and Tom would like to celebrate the nature around us today with this reflection on the ties between love and the earth, borrowed from a Celtic handfasting.
Bess: Love has its seasons, the same as does the earth. In the spring of love is the discovery of each other, the pulse of the senses, the getting to know the mind and heart of the other; a blooming like the buds and flowers of springtime.
Katie K: In the summer of love comes the strength, the commitment to each other, the most active part of life, perhaps including the giving of life back to itself through children; the sharing of joys and sorrows, the learning to be humans who are each complete and whole but who can merge each with the other, as the trees grow green and tall in the heat of the sun.
Bess: In the fall of love is the contentment of love that knows the other completely. Passion remains, and ease of companionship. The heart smoothes love into a steady light, glorious as the autumn leaves.
Katie K: In the winter of love, there is parting, and sorrow. But love remains, as do the stark and bare tree trunks in the snow, ready for the renewal of love in the spring as life and love begin anew.
Bess: Now is the time of summer. Hilary and Tom have gathered before their friends to make a statement of their commitment to each other, and to their love.
Saying “Yes, And”
(Katie K and Bess exit. Ross, Max, and Katherine enter.)
Ross: Hi, I’m Ross.
Max: And I’m Max.
Ross: Tom and Hilary first met doing improv in high school. In the art of improvisation, there is a governing principle in the creation of compelling scenes called “Yes, And.”
Max: In improv, as in life, petty conflict prevents progress. Saying “No” hinders any movement forward, and is usually a choice made out of fear – fear of failure, of the unknown, of being vulnerable.
Katherine: “Yes, And” is a piece of guiding advice that means there is more potential in agreement and cooperation than in the alternative. Here’s what Stephen Colbert said about “Yes, And” in a commencement speech to Knox College:
Ross: “When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, “yes-and.” In this case, “yes-and” is a verb. And yes-anding means that when you go onstage to improvise a scene with no script, you have no idea what’s going to happen, maybe with someone you’ve never met before.”
Max: “To build a scene, you have to accept. To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates. They say you’re doctors—you’re doctors. And then, you add to that: We’re doctors and we’re trapped in an ice cave. And then hopefully they “yes-and” you back. You have to keep your eyes open when you do this. You have to be aware of what the other performer is offering you, so that you can agree and add to it. And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other’s lead, neither of you are really in control, it’s more of a mutual discovery than a solo invention. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience.”
Katherine: “Well, you are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what’s going to happen. And you are not in control. So say “yes.” And if you’re lucky, you’ll find people who will say “yes” back. Now will saying “yes” get you in trouble at times? Will saying “yes” lead you to do some foolish things? Yes it will. But don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.”
Ross: “Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.”
Stephen Colbert spoke these words to a group of graduates on the verge of a new life beyond college. But the improviser’s art, and the intentions of agreement, acceptance, and creation, apply just as aptly to a union such as marriage. Tom and Hilary, may you say yes as often as possible in this great improvisation we know as life, and may you always support your scene partner along the way.
(Ross, Max and Katherine exit. Allie and Jordan enter.)
Exchange of Vows
Allie: Hi, I’m Allie.
Jordan: I’m Jordan.
Allie: Hilary and Tom, you have proclaimed yourselves ready this early autumn evening to voice your commitment to each other, to exchange promises, and to seal your pledges with the beautiful rings you designed.
Jordan: We, your circle of family and friends, are here for you, here to honor you, and to witness your hearts’ declarations.
Allie: Hilary will now share her words for Tom on their wedding day, followed by the vows they’ve chosen to speak to one another.
(Allie hands Hilary her “cheat sheet,” for she will surely need it!)
Hilary: (Hilary shares her personal vows, which will be a surprise!)
I now speak my vow:
I, Hilary, choose you, Tom, to be my husband and partner for life. I promise to keep my heart and mind open to you, to strive for a better world with you, and to nurture your dreams as my own. I thank you for encouraging me, trusting me, for being my best friend and dearest love. I will adore you and cherish you always. Will you let me share my life and all that I am with you?
Tom: I will.
Jordan: Tom will now share his words for Hilary on their wedding day, followed by the vows they’ve chosen to speak to one another.
(Jordan hands Tom his “cheat sheet.”)
Tom: (Tom shares his personal vows)
I now speak my vow:
I, Tom, choose you, Hilary, to be my wife and partner for life. I promise to keep my heart and mind open to you, to strive for a better world with you, and to nurture your dreams as my own. I thank you for encouraging me, trusting me, for being my best friend and dearest love. I will adore you and cherish you always. Will you let me share my life and all that I am with you?
Hilary: I will.
(Allie and Jordan exit. Cody, Dave, and Ryan enter.)
A Blessing
Ryan: Hi, I’m Ryan.
Dave: I’m Dave.
Cody: And I’m Cody.
Ryan: Hilary and Tom, we who are present, and those who are absent thinking about you, hope that the inspirations of this hour, and the intentions you have declared today, will not be forgotten.
Dave: Blessings on you both and on your continued journey into learning how to care for yourselves and for each other.
Cody: We stand by you as, for always, and in all ways, you look out for each other physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Ryan: May you help each other to be bearers of truth and vessels of joy.
Dave: May you have gratitude for the gifts of life and of each other.
Cody: And may you make your lives an expression of how you would like the world to be.
(Cody, Dave, and Ryan exit. Joe, Cherie, Jordan and Allie enter.)
Exchange of Rings & Proclamation of Marriage
Joe: Hi, I’m Joe.
Cherie: And I’m Cherie.
Joe: Can whoever has the wedding rings now bring them to the front and hand them to Jordan and Allie?
(Jordan takes the ring nest and Allie unties the rings while Cherie speaks.)
Cherie: This is the point in the ceremony when it is often said that the wedding bands are a perfect circle, with no beginning and no end. But we also know that these rings do have a beginning. Rock is dug up from the earth. Gold is liquefied in a furnace at a thousand degrees. Hot metal is poured into a mold, cooled, and then painstakingly polished. Something beautiful is made from raw elements. Love is like that. It’s hot, dirty work. It comes from humble beginnings, made by imperfect beings. It requires its makers to become intimate with its qualities, to see the beauty in potential, and to forge a circle of strength through thoughtful action.
(Jordan hands the ring to Tom.)
Joe: Tom, will you now place this ring on Hilary’s finger and repeat these words:
With this ring, I marry you and join my life to yours.
Tom: With this ring, I marry you and join my life to yours.
(Allie hands the ring to Hilary.)
Cherie: Hilary, will you place this ring on Tom’s finger and repeat these words:
With this ring, I marry you and join my life to yours.
Hilary: With this ring, I marry you and join my life to yours.
Cherie: In ancient times, it was believed that when you kissed, you exchanged some of your soul with your breath. Finally, by virtue of your declaration, witnessed by us and all gathered, we are happy to proclaim -
Entire Wedding Party: We now pronounce you husband and wife!
Joe: Please exchange some soul!
(Kissy face! Rejoicing! It’s all over!)
Jordan: Ladies and Gentlemen,
Allie: Presenting the newly married –
Cherie & Joe: Hilary Kissinger and Tom Connors!
(Yayyyyyy!!!!)
(Katie leads Wedding Party on guitar in the recessional song, Cat Stevens’ “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out”. At some point, Hilary and Tom recess down the aisle, followed by the Wedding Party. Encourage all gathered to sing!)
Recessional
Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
‘Cause there’s a million things to be
You know that there are
And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
‘Cause there’s a million ways to go
You know that there are
You can do what you want
The opportunity’s on
And if you find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
you see ah ah ah
its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know
Well if you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
‘Cause there’s a million ways to go
You know that there are
And if you want to be me, be me
And if you want to be you, be you
‘Cause there’s a million things to do
You know that there are
You can do what you want
The opportunity’s on
And if you find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
you see ah ah ah
its easy ah ah ah
You only need to know
Well, if you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
‘Cause there’s a million things to be
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are
You know that there are….
{Fin.}
